Updated: Mar 5, 2020
How’s the week? I hope it’s been blessed! Over here in my little world, so much has been running through my mind and my heart but tonight I want to focus on one word in particular. Pliable.
You will probably notice I will talk about Ian a lot throughout my posts.
1. He is literally the most amazing man to ever enter my life.
2. He is my boyfriend and the very fact I can say that makes my heart glow.
3. He is a big part of the daily reg; meaning he is involved in a lot of my musings.
So, now that you have that little background....The other night Ian and I were praying and he asked me what I wanted to offer the prayer for. I paused a minute to think and from my heart seeped the word pliability. He repeated the word in a confused, questioning tone, “Liability?” I laughed and repeated more clearly my intention of PLIABILITY. Once we got that situated, we moved on to pray and asked our Lady to intercede for all of our intentions.
There have been a few big things on our hearts recently that we have committed to pray about. Discerning isn’t for the faint of heart, let me tell ya. Just when you think you have something figured out, another bend in the road appears and the discernment process begins again. I’ve always been one to go where the peace is. If it feels peaceful, it is of God. If it doesn’t, it clearly isn’t His plan for He is not a God of discourse, but of PEACE.
More simply put, Ian always asks me, “Is it light, or heavy?”
Light or heavy? Good question. If it’s heavy...why? What is making it feel heavy? Is it heavy because of my hesitation or is it heavy because it’s not God’s will? Is it heavy because it’s wrong? Or is it heavy because my will is fighting it because I am rigid and not willing to bend to the will of God? Is it heavy because of fear, or is it heavy because God’s trying to protect me from something?
So many questions. It’s never really a simple yes or no and a lot of thought and prayer, introspection, self-knowledge and awareness is required during a discernment process.
Discernment is a journey, but where does that journey lead? This is my biggest hang up. I struggle with discernment because I can’t see the end. I’ve always been one to want to know the answers right now and because clearly, I cannot, I struggle with the future. I worry about my decisions as I know they will impact that future and when I can’t see, I feel I need to control things so that they don’t end up in a big old pile of mess. I trust Jesus, but oh I doubt. I try to play God too often.
Sidenote: I’m very bad at it and when I do try, whatever I’m worried about usually ends up in a big old pile of mess anyways….you would think I’d have learned my lesson by now.
He is God and I am NOT. There is a reason for that and I need to learn to better relent to the wisdom of God. I do not know better than He. Jesus knows best. Note to self: Repeat this phrase often until it sticks.
When so many decisions are looming and the answers never seem too clear, my heart begins to panic. It tries desperately to seek answers, to seek wisdom, to find clarity. I often try and come up with a solution to whatever lies before me 1. Because waiting for God’s timing with the answers is hard and 2. I am a planner and not knowing the plan and not seeing clearly what the next steps are cause me a great deal of anxiety that I try to avoid. (sigh)
So, pliability. I kneel before Jesus in adoration and pour out my heart. I breathe. Jesus responds, “Pliability.” I continue on with my waterfall of thoughts, throwing up on Jesus. I stop. I breathe. Jesus responds, “Pliability.” I sigh in frustration. Letting go of control hurts. “Why does it hurt so bad, Jesus? Why is it so hard to release the grip of my tightly clenched fists? Why does my little heart hold tight to what I think will make me happiest, when clearly you know best…when clearly, you have never let me down before?” I take a breath. Jesus responds, “Pliability.”
I did a little research. The word.
Pliable: to be supple enough to bend freely or repeatedly without breaking; adjustable to varying conditions; yielding readily to others; adjusting readily to change.
Jesus wasn’t very subtle with me. He never really is, which I am so grateful for. He also doesn’t go easy on me. He is asking a lot. He wants me to grow. I hear Him. I feel the calling to let go. I know I need to for my own peace, for my own joy, for my future. When I let go and let God, everything falls into place-it is even better than I could dream or imagine. He is the grand orchestrator, my life-the symphony He is composing. I should let the composer, compose. It will be a masterpiece. I must trust the expert.
I want to be pliable. Oh, I so desire this. I want to be clay in the hands of the potter. I want to be moldable, bendable, flexible, and adjustable to the will the Lord has for my life. At current I feel I am stubborn, resistant, hesitant, strong willed, unmovable, proud, unwilling, and stuck…Stuck in a place of my own fear, my own limitations. But I believe we were not meant to stay stuck in our hard places. Lord, give me the grace to let go. Help me to humble myself and wait patiently on you to reveal the next steps. Be my strength. Be my courage. Be my hope.
If you struggle with this too pray with me for just a sec this simple little phrase…
Jesus, I trust in You. Jesus, I will wait on You. Jesus, I will breathe.